Embrace the Journey

Well, we made it! Micah’s first year, what a journey so far. I woke up in the morning on Aug. 12th, 2009 and the first thoughts in my head were, my baby is 1 year old today! As I started my day, I started to reflect on the past year of Micah’s life, and my new life. I happened to walk past my dresser and sitting in plain sight were 3 pictures that I hadn’t picked up in awhile. In those pictures I saw a 3 month old baby, strapped down in a isolate, with tubes coming from every visible part of his body. Right in the middle of his chest was a big white bandage that was nice and neat and about 6 inches long. That bandage was a reminder of the fact that Micah had survived so far open heart surgery. He had white tape, that looked like duck tape to me, covering is mouth. The tape was a small connection between keeping him alive by holding tight to the ventilator that kept him breathing in place. His little body was so swollen. He didn’t look like my little Micah. His body was motionless, and it was a scary time. As I looked at the pictures and remembered, every feeling that I had those months came back, like someone had opened a flood gate. My thoughts went from the open heart surgery to the actual day of his birth and the days that led up to his birth. I had to sit down. I couldn’t believe that I was actually going here in my mind. For reasons unknown to me, I allowed myself to revisit the deep pain and disappointment that I actually felt that day. Tears streamed down my face and I cried in a small piece of tissue like a person distraught and desperate. I re-asked all the questions I asked a year ago. I had the same pain, and disappointment with God that I had the morning of the diagnosis of Down Syndrome and heart defects. I still mourned the loss of the child I thought I was having. It was a strange feeling. Although I had such sadness, I had such joy and happiness. I was so happy that Micah made it! I was happy I made it! I was overcome with gratitude and thankfulness toward God, for what he brought me through. How could I feel such a potluck of emotion all at the same time. Guilt, loss, disappointment, happiness, thankfulness, strength, weakness, wonder, and love. I have learned over this past year to embrace my feelings and emotions and accept them for what they are, and feel every moment, good or bad. For whatever reason, here I was celebrating the past year of the new life of Micah, and the new life of Nina with a little sadness and Happiness all at once.

     I heard the squirm and restling of Micah waking up. I quickly wiped my tears, and went to my baby boy. Ahhh, the smile, the hug, those little eyes, and curl on top of his head. I sang Happy Birthday and he listened like he knew the singing was for him. He squealed in delight, and every sad and negativethought melted into a puddle that evaporated with every giggle. Yes it was a hard year. Yes, there was loss of what I thought was going to be, there was disappointment, and my faith was challenged. But it was worth it! I cried over what I didn’t know, about a unknown future, but the joy, and love outweigh the past pain I endured. I was overcome with so much happiness when I looked into Micah’s eyes. Its his birthday….It’s a great day! A day to celebrate! A day to pause, reflect, and be thankful. My whole family sang to Micah, and we made his day special. I remembered Aaron (my 35 year old friend with DS) and how he celebrated his life, and I chose to do the same for Micah, and all my kids.

     A few days after Micah’s birthday we had a party with swimming and food, and fun fellowship. Family and friends came to celebrate Micah’s life. Honestly I think I had the party for myself, because Micah had no clue. The day Micah was born I felt alone and robbed of a happy day. But at Micah’s party I looked around and saw so much love and acceptance . They celebrated Micah! I wasn’t alone, I never was. I know its good to go back and remember, but I must say that I didn’t imagine my life like this….. so much better because of trials, and changed by a life that some would have aborted…Thank you God, and Happy birthday to our Million dollar baby!!

Nina

Happy, happy boy!