Embrace the Journey

     Aha, it’s a new year filled with so many possibilities, and promise! For me, it’s a year that hasn’t been contaminated with hospital stays, 6 daily medications, questions I can’t answer,special formula that cost a fortune,   and tears I can’t find the end to. From Aug 2008- through half of 2009, the things mentioned above are a few of the things that consumed my life with my precious son Micah, who was born a month early with down syndrome.

     The new year was here (Jan 1st or close) and I was driving to target for  all the things I really didn’t need.  Often when I’m driving to target I find myself thinking and contemplating some of  life’s issues. I guess I do this because there are NO kids fighting in the back seats, talking at the same time, or screaming I’m hungry can we get Sonic.  Fresh thoughts ran through the fields of my mind. Wow, I’m okay. I made it through the rough part of the year, and I’m really okay with Micah and the down-syndrome issues. I pondered on all the feelings I deal with, and had dealt with, and took in a deep breath For the first time in my past 30 plus years, my first thoughts of my new year were NOT how much weight I need to loose, or all the goals I need to jot down. My first thought were on how I was going to fully accept God’s plan for me in regards to having Micah, with no more tears, only joy because I had made it through the previous year. Now I will be honest, shortly after that refreshing jubilee of new years resolutions, a big old Jillian’s (you know the biggest looser trainer) voice and vision  seized my new resolutions and shouted out in my mind the perpetual never ending new years resolution… I will loose this weight this year!(but it wasn’t the first thoughts, I’m making progress). So with my new attitude and pep, I’m on my way to a grand, no crying, no appointments, no meds, new year with Micah!

     As I shopping at target, I run into a old coach from my younger days. He knows my family, and always ask how we all are. I tell him of all my kids and the newest little guy Micah. Him and his wife are all smiles and oh, how sweet another baby, you must be busy, all the normal things you hear when you tell someone you had a baby. But then, it was like the lights went dim, thunder rolled, and I turned into the barer of Awful news. I told them that Micah the new little guy had down-syndrome. Immediately a breeze flowed between us that left a cold and uncomfortable feeling . The body language changed from comfortable, to uncomfortable, from we have lots to talk about to , I can’t look you in the eyes, time to go look. Then like a avalanche over taking me, I hear the words… We are so sorry! I of course being blindsided by this response,I went into Auto pilot, explaining that God has a plan, and we are happy to have Micah. All the things I meant, but feel like I’ve been programmed to say. They just looked at me and nodded, and said, well its nice seeing you..and strolled off.  I couldn’t believe what just happened to me. Tears filled my eyes, sadness overtook me, but yet, once again. I had just proclaimed that this year, I was going to be positive, not cry, etc. That already has gone out the window. I hurried to get out to my car, and as I opened the door to my car, I  opened the floodgates into my inner most being and sobbed. What was I sobbing for? I was sobbing because, although I know people don’t mean for their words to hurt me, they do. I sobbed because I have had 3 other children before Micah, and I NEVER heard,” I’m sorry “after telling someone of their birth. I cried because I have never been in a situation that something I said would cause so much discomfort and coldness  in another human being. Once again, I felt I was left standing with a broken penny bank scattered all over the floor, that I had worked hard to put back together the previous year. All this because of a comment, “We’re sorry”. If I’m honest, I will say, that my sorrow went to anger. Anger that I allowed myself to be upset over such a comment, when there are far more worse things in life. Angry that people would respond that way to the news of a child born with down-syndrome, which implied to me a child not born what we consider perfect should be pittied? Angry again at God. How could he put me in this situation of always feeling defetead, weak and unprepapred. Angry that God hasn’t given me all the answers I still wonder about. I cried out, I yelled, I pleaded with God to speak to me. I pleaded with God to change the way people see imperfections. ( Just becasue I was angry at God for the moment, doesn’t mean I ever blame him or stop loving him. He actally drew me closer.)

     After all the emotional let down and melt down, I realized something. I thought I had it all together. I MADE it through, and all my plans were finally going to be back on track. God brought me through, give him glory and move on! No! I think we sometimes think we surrendered all our issues  to God, but we secretly hold on to some.  That’s what I thought. But sometimes and most times I believe, the real, real change doesn’t come until you are BROKEN. Not just surrendered, but BROKEN. We will stay broken, if we think that we can fix ourself. We are conditioned to have no imperfections, but we ALL do. If we don’t  let God put us back together, we will remain in a state of brokenness. 

      It hurt me to think that people would be sorry for such a blessing that God has given me. Yes, God does want us to be mindful of how we react to people and what we say. I know that running into that coach and hearing that response, was really more than the response the coach gave. It was a opportunity for me to respond to God, with honesty, and humility. God continues to use Micah to make me a better person. More loving, compassionate, but most of all, more understanding of how much he loves me, and how my imperfections, are perfections to him. 

     So now, I have a new response when introducing my special angel Micah. I will say, God has BLESSED us beyond measure with our 4th child who has down-syndrome.  I will be reminded that brokenness isn’t bad if you allow God to rebuild you with his might not yours.  My”New” new years resolution… Let God decide what he wants for the year:)